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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

'Twill surely bring a Tear to your Eye...

When I was just a tyke, I asked my beer-and whiskey loving uncle, "How did angels get to be on top of most Christmas trees? He said, "Sit down, lad. Here's the story: "

Many years ago on a bleak, raw, rainy and generally nasty Christmas Eve, Santa was fighting a severe case of the flu. Runny nose, hacking cough, high temps and diarrhea made him miserable, and the prospect of spending the night delivering Christmas presents to the world did not seem particularly exciting.

He went out to check on his famous reindeer only to find that two of them, Dancer and Prancer, had broken out of their pen and had flown away. One, Vixen, was in the process of giving birth, and Rudolph's nose was out. His sled was leaning to one side because of a broken runner.

Santa turned to his workshop to check on the elves only to find them all sitting around, refusing to do any more work until their pay was raised and sprinkles were liberally put on the cupcakes provided by Mrs. Claus.

Santa went to inform Mrs. Claus of the dilemma, only to find her walking out of the cottage with two suitcases in her hands. "I'm leaving you and this nonsense behind," she said. "I can't take any more." And away she flew in her own sleigh.

On the verge of tears and a breakdown, Santa headed for his secret cupboard where he had stashed a bottle of 150 year-old Chivas Regal. Pulling it out from the overhead cabinet, however, he lost control of the bottle, and it crashed to the floor in pieces, spilling its precious liquid through the floor cracks.

Poor Santa went to get the broom to sweep up the broken glass shards only to discover that the straw of the broom had been eaten through by the mice. He attempted to scoop up some of the bigger pieces with his hand, stuck himself on a large sliver and jumped up, hitting his head on the corner of the cabinet door he had left open. The pain was blinding and caused him to involuntarily release some diarrhea which soiled his red pants.

At that very moment, there was a knock on Santa's cottage door, and it opened to reveal a beautiful little angel carrying a very large fir tree behind her. She asked innocently, "Santa, what should I do with this Christmas Tree?"

And that, my child, is how the angel came to be the decoration of choice for Christmas tree toppers.

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